我的心情休息站

I should have went home. I'm so stupid. I'm so childish.

2010-06-29T18:50:00.000+08:00

4 more days of April left

2010-04-27T12:48:00.002+08:00

another teddy bear came. he's comfortable, i feel great.

but at the same time, i'm scared. i'm scared of that naive side of me, believing everything. i dun wanna get hurt again. can i trust him?

i hope he can prove to me that he is worth.

i cant be so stupid anymore. i must wait..

God, thank you for the chance.

2010-04-16T15:24:00.001+08:00

i hate my gastric pains

hold on

2010-04-09T09:54:00.003+08:00

i messed it up.

i dunno what's going on.

i dun understand those behaviors.

i dunno what to do now.

but i know, i'm not gonna stay put.

i dun want it anymore. i dun wanna care anymore...

2010-04-01T13:48:00.002+08:00

M.S.

i feel like i'm a stalker. wanna keep track of everything that involves ...

again, it's the excitement. but i still dunno how i should start. well, i dunno how to do this.

and again... i'm thinking of... seriously, i'm wondering if i have depression.

snow white

2010-04-01T13:46:00.001+08:00

You are the sweetest person anyone can meet. You are beautiful and very caring. You're hard-working, and you love to help others and do chores. But sometimes, your innocence and kindness can lead you to trouble. Your life may not be the best, but keep being yourself, and your life will get better.

if i were to get a tattoo, it would be 2 halves of me at war with each other. that's how i feel all the time...

these days...

2010-03-31T17:10:00.002+08:00

it's like, the pounding in my head never stop.

i dun wanna speak, i have no energy to speak. my voice breaks when i do.

i was so excited. my plans for April... but the wait seems to be so long...

stop! stop the headache!!!! stop all the muscle aches! stop!

what is wrong?! i never have headaches like this before... i dun like the headaches...

i felt so motivated. then, when nothing happens. the waiting, head pounding...

i felt a bit lost. i thought i knew where i was going. but things dun go as planned, as i saw it... my schedule messed up. now suddenly i have a lot of time, then suddenly everything is in the mid year. aww man!

i'd rather be busy than be bored. at least when i'm busy the headaches are all short term as i keep my focus on work. i cant work at home.

i need that magic. that magical feeling that keeps me going... that magical feeling that will make me feel light, make me feel beautiful, make me feel confident, make me hard working... why that sudden lack of motivation? i dun understand it myself...

i know what i wanna get done in April. but, actually, i feel a little unstable... i musnt fail.

i wanna go to somewhere peaceful... take a stroll on the beach, drink some cocktails... take a dip in the waters... hold someone's hands... let the sun warm my skin.. smell the sea breeze...

i must do it. it's April.

i wish one day, someone will tell me this...

2010-03-24T09:25:00.001+08:00

Amazed by Lonestar

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time, every time
I want to spend the whole night in your eyes

Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

2010-03-23T09:01:00.002+08:00

i dreamt of dance..

i dreamt of lilian, crystal... i was dancing with them again. i dreamt of a new concept, it's beautiful, dangerous... but it will be very strong...

i wanna dance again. but first, i need a stable income. once i have money then i can take classes...

well i can do Theatre Idols, but i dun wanna get stuck here.... ok, i will try other companies... :D

i feel the heart ache. i feel the pain... i wanna tell someone... but... decided not to. there's no point telling anyone else. there's nothing they can do too. wanna go for a drink, but it's darn expensive la... wanna chill out somewhere else but no mood.. dammit.

then i realise, i can call up some friends... then i start calling up people. when i have a problem, i dun just try to solve it myself, i asked for help. and i got it. :)

friends, thank you for helping... it means a lot to me. i dun feel like i'm alone anymore... though most of the time when i'm not busy i tend to think a lot.. but things are getting better..

i really hope things get better between the giant and the knightess. they deserve...

if you believe

2010-03-19T13:32:00.002+08:00

i wanna dance...

i wanna wear a dress... let it flow, let it flow....

i wanna swim in the music....

i love the feeling of adrenaline flowing inside me... makes me feel like i'm flying...

i wanna go to somewhere with greens, with streams and rivers... swim in the cold water with the fishes... under the sun... i wanna run, run in the field... i wanna dance in the field...

i wanna feel like a girl... i wanna wear a dress.... stroll on the beach... feel the sand on my feet....

i wanna fly... i wanna dance...

这种叫真心的关心

2010-03-17T06:52:00.003+08:00

不要讓不懂得愛你的人, 困擾你... 環顧你身邊的還有許多愛你的人呢。

可是,依然有很多人情願被傷害的...而且一次又一次。

每次受傷害了以後,又再向別人訴説自己的多麽的心痛...何苦呢?

因爲不習慣沒人陪伴...而抓住一個,一次又一次想放棄你的人? 這樣會快樂嗎?...

適當時候,是需要懂得放手的。

希望... 下次不會再聽到同樣的故事情節,發生在你身上。

不然...我說得再多,也是沒用的...幫不了你的。

我只能說: 你不肯站起來, 誰也無法幫到你...

宁可相信世上有鬼；也别相信男人那张嘴

2010-03-17T06:35:00.002+08:00

之前的转机是假像。后来并没有怎么好。我讨厌自己那么笨，那么容易相信别人。

我学会了。我懂得看，懂得听了。我不会再相信了。

“但你却没有，真的心疼我”

i didnt pass the interview for esplanade's training. but i have offers for the IR stuff... well, i believe things would be better. when i first wanted to apply for that training, many people in this industry advised me it's not worth. but i applied anyway. now that they rejected me, i guess it's fated that i should take this. and a different chance came along, i should take this.

now, my short term goal is to get enough money to get a bike. it would be helpful. all those hypocritic concerns like "bikes are dangerous, girls should touch them.." well, 750W lights are dangerous too! but no one told me not to play with them. all bullshit la.

i will do what i want. i live for myself, not for anyone else. even if i live for my mum, the bike is beneficial for her too. she's the reason i wanna get a bike.

最近的不快乐。。。心很痛。我以为。。。一切都是我的以为，才让自己那么不快乐。不过，我因该感到开心。我有很多人在身边。

我的身体真的有问题了。现在的胃痛不是普通的胃痛。

I finally cried it out. But I dun feel any better...

2010-03-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

转机

2010-03-09T09:12:00.001+08:00

previous post.

2010-03-09T08:54:00.006+08:00

sorry...

i was too emo when i was writing my previous post.

though i was really thinking of suicide during that time.

its just one of those days when everything doesnt turn out right and stuff like that la... i'm feeling better now... getting busier and busier near the show days. i'll try to get another show to do in april to keep myself busy, and hope i can start training in may. :)

thank you for initiating chat with me. i felt really good when i saw the conversation pop up. but i was busy with paperwork that time... thank you..

currently, i'm doing makan drama festival at action theatre, as stage manager. now we're busy with getting ready for bump in.. i'm quite nervous actually. this is the first time i'm calling such big show and in charge of most things. this is a great experience for me...

its fated

2010-03-05T23:59:00.002+08:00

its fated that i'll never have anyone by my side when i needed comfort most.

it never happens. just when i needed someone the most, no one is around.

i was scared. i'm not brave all the time. i was really scared. i tried to call someone so i have company on the phone, but no one picks up. again, like every time, i finished it with gritted teeth.

every time, every time... i hold back my tears, and go forward.

i dun like to be strong.... some times, i like to be taken care of too. i like to feel comfort too. i dun wanna be brave all the time. i wish there are times, i can not worry about anything and show that i'm afraid. to show that i'm weak.

i wanna be taken care of too.

i start to hate myself, my body... suddenly i feel so uncomfortable looking at myself in the mirror. i dun wanna touch myself.

i dun wanna be a girl, a lady or a woman anymore. i dun want my body anymore. they are useless. useless...

since young, i have always wanted to grow up fast. to leave primary school soon, to leave secondary school soon, to leave poly soon... i wanna die soon.

no one really cares... i have heard so many times, people say, "you deserve to be loved", "you're precious", whatever. they dun mean it. it's all lies... they just want good PR. they want others to think they are very nice people. they dun mean it.

who would really care, if i smoke or how much i smoke? who cares if i drink? what can anyone do if i speed on a motorcycle? who cares if i let go at the speed of 190km/h? no one will. all they have to bother is the funeral. at most is a week. at most they will think of my death for a month. and nothing else. no one can be bothered.

mum, why do we live? you live to wait for me to graduate; i live to wait for myself to die. what's the meaning of this? we dun have a family anymore. no one loves us. no one cares for us... it's just the 2 of us... why not we just end it now? save all the trouble of eating, sleeping, washing this washing that, work...

well, how many cold pastas do i have to eat before my death? these few days, i almost get into accident too many times... the next time it almost happen, i should continue to go forward... i have never been in an accident before... it should be a great experience. if i'm lucky, i can die. if i'm not, it'll just be a slow death. it's ok, humans die easily. a slit at the wrist, or just some poison would be enough. or i can be like edwin, you wont even notice you're dead if you use that method.

Suddenly, I feel sensitive about everything... Begin to feel discomfort...

2010-03-05T17:39:00.000+08:00

2010-03-05T09:45:00.000+08:00

所以你说，我们，不是你和我？

心情；很沉重

2010-03-05T00:18:00.002+08:00

就觉得不舒服啊。

头痛好像永远不停止；

身体好像一直在打转。

心情很沉重。我不知道要怎么办。

下一步要怎么走？我不知道可以问谁···

2010-03-02T16:15:00.002+08:00

i really hope i get into that training... they have called me for interview today.

when i get my pay, i will go for a body check up. i will.

i'm.... scared.

my hands are weak. they tremble. even my cup feels heavy to pick up.

i will go for a body check up. i know there is something wrong.

i was just sitting quietly.. then i realise, i actually got used to my headaches and dizziness. i got used to it that i didnt realise i was having it all the time...

my pay as a tutor is only enough to keep me alive.

my pay for productions... they suck. this is the down side of working for a non-profit organization, pay never comes on time. the production cost for the last halloween is still not given to me.

i know, i'm not making sense...

2010-02-25T01:10:00.002+08:00

i'm not making sense...

you're so retarded. makes me pull my hair in frustration, you're retarded in a way that it's cute.

i'm crazy... torturing myself. frustrated with you, yet understand you.

i'm beautiful...

2010-02-25T00:47:00.002+08:00

i'm beautiful.

i must believe myself.

suddenly, there's dead silence...

why am i here? who am i? what am i going to do? what do i wanna do?

suddenly, i sit down, and empty. suddenly, there's emptiness.

i wanna dive back in. into the noise, bury myself into the noise. only in the noise, i find myself.

it feels like, when i was a child again; eager to grow up.

eager for things that i can see will happen. i know how it will be like, i can see it.

i'm back to being a child. eager to grow up.

neither here nor there...

2010-02-25T00:36:00.003+08:00

me and my bad habit. expectations. me and my high expectations. it's been years, this habit. i tried to change it. it takes time... i have to remind myself constantly not to expect so much.

be patient, be patient. why do i keep forgetting?? meiting ah meiting. stop it, what makes you think you can have such high expectations?? you have no right to do so. no right to expect... you are the one who asked people to take it slow, how can you expect so much??

take it slow. take it slow. things are different, you gotta do it properly, you cant afford any mistakes... step by step. there are rules to follow, observations to be made, actions to be held back. you must hold, hold back a bit... slowly...

in overall

2010-02-24T16:43:00.003+08:00

actually, i'm quite satisfied with my life now...

no major problems (though financial problem is a problem that is never solved). i am surviving peacefully.

i'm getting what i want... at work, i'm getting recognition. and i know, i'm doing better than others.

i mean, there are many people at my age who still doesnt know what they want in life. though i dun have a detailed plan on my whole life, at least i have a direction. i have long term goals and short term goals.

the goals that i've set for myself, i know i'm achieving it. i can see it. i have confidence that i will get it.

things are going well... mum and i are good. others that doesnt matter, dont matter to me.

those that matters... well, it's going well... :)

i know i haven been blogging for a long time... well, i realise... as long as it's in my heart...

and i know, i have changed a lot. i'm quite surprised myself, that i can change in such short frame of time. hehe... actually, i'm kinda proud of myself. :)

now my weight is 43kg. i remember, there was once i was like, 55kg, and 48kg. though i like it now that i have no problems wearing clothes, but i worry that it might restrict me from work. it would take a while for me to get the hang of it when i start training.

i really hope i can start the training in may. jia you!

M.S.

2010-02-24T16:33:00.002+08:00

this time, it's different.

it's very slow.. abit retarded la... but cute.

i really hope this can work out. cos this is really special. i really hope i am doing it right.

shit dammit shit dammit

2010-02-24T16:17:00.002+08:00

i cant lose this i cant lose this...

i dun have the energy to do this... i was so passionate... so so passionate.. i have always looked forward to rehearsals, to write rehearsal reports...

things are not going well, 3 weeks left, and such huge problem is not solved.

how is the show going to run if this is not getting well? dammit, why do you choose to produce such a big show when your main pillars are falling apart?? how can you produce such a big show if you dun do proper budget planning?? everything is so restricted, everything is affected. she's a super director, but you cant leave everything to her!

haiz... i'm worried, but i'm helpless. if the school have taught us properly and not teach crap, i could have help with the production! damn you pinky, you think your worse-than-kindergarden-set-design-class can help any of the students in their future?? just wanna enjoy the stupid PBL system and get high pay for nothing right?

i'm worried... haiz...

2010-02-02T14:57:00.001+08:00

I miss my long hair....

2010-01-31T18:32:00.004+08:00

I havent felt so sick for a long time... been sleeping the whole day... drifting in and out... irritating..

random thought; i miss my long hair... wanna grow it back to that length...

i think, i have lost too much weight... cannot cannot... too weak.. i need that strength...

i really hope i get to go for that training... i'd feel so proud of myself.. career is starting...

time will tell, i must have patiencee...

need to do report report report... go go..

random stuff...

2010-01-28T16:08:00.001+08:00

I dun like marshmallows... they're sickening... too sweet...

Marshmallows and 10 Courts of Hell

2010-01-26T11:19:00.002+08:00

I AM SERIOUSLY BORED!!!!

BORRRRRREDD........

nothing interesting in school... class is like, looking at the computer, facebook, games, movies, ohmygawd.... boring.... cant they make the problem statement more interesting as we're graduating???

problem based learning, their problem is not even realistic! i mean, you think it's so easy in the real life? come on, they wanna prepare us for the industry, after graduation, i predict that 70% of the marshmallows will vomit blood!

haiz.. ok, i dunno why i so random la.. eh... just bored...

i thought this is quite good, " In the 10 Courts of Hell, the Chamber of Tongue Ripping is where the Gossips and perjurers suffer the fate of having their tongues ripped out in this chamber "

I cant stop people from talking... it's called the freedom of speech. and... I'm not bitchy enough to get back at them.

It does hurt la, when I hear about it, but... what to do? it's their mouth... It doesnt concern me much, cos I know the truth, and know the reasons behind everything...

... it does affect me la... directly and indirectly...

In this kind of situation, the bright side is, you can tell who can be trusted; who cant, and who are the sincere ones and the hypocrites... but on the not so bright side, the lesson learnt is that there are not many people who are sincere..

shopping with qi

2010-01-19T15:01:00.003+08:00

i like this shirt.... but didnt buy... :P
show me your love

catch me if you can
just try, you can make it
doing the stretching exercise

thrrrrrrrrilled!

2010-01-18T23:15:00.001+08:00

rehearsal sooon!!!

whuaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

i was just thinking, when can i start rehearsals......

WHOOHOOO!!!!!

i'm the SM this time!

2010-01-16T14:54:00.002+08:00

she wished...

that one day, he will come,

to pick her up,

to sweep her off her feet,

and they would ride to somewhere peaceful,

a place where no hurtful words to be heard...

and she would be loved, the way she wanted to be...

and she would love him...

like in fairy tales..

2010-01-16T14:52:00.003+08:00

they dun bother finding out the truth...

they spoke as they like, not considering her emotions...

the hurt they made her feel, they did not know...

2010-01-14T10:22:00.000+08:00

what makes you think i can handle this alone?

what makes you think i'm strong enough?

2010-01-12T12:33:00.000+08:00

I feel myself falling...

I'm afraid...

Eamon!!!!

2010-01-12T10:51:00.001+08:00

Gosh I just love talking to Eamon.

“If he's a dick before you're with him, don't expect him to become nice”

“haha!!! nice one! so how should i know if he's good or not? a lot of guys act good...”

“if he treats girls in general with respect because some guys are just nice to girls they’re after. If he loves you more than anything else in the world, and is willing to put you before himself, he's a keeper”

hehee... thanks eamon, you're a great friend!

"you're not weird, people just don't understand you that well, and that's okay"

it warmed my heart when you said this... :)

re: is this right?

2010-01-11T12:12:00.010+08:00

my answer to your latest blog post would be no

it's not right

the guy's a dick

can you tell me more about it?

well, for a guy to decide to pay for his girl, that's his investment

he is deducing that by paying for his girl, he is putting in money for results that he hopes that he will get if the relationship works out and he gets married to her

if the relationship doesn't work out, then it's a bad investment on his part

the girl has no responsibility

UNLESS the girl demanded this of him in the first place

but she didn't, did she?

the guy, on his own volition, decided that he would play the part of the patron and provide for her

showing her his gentlemanly side

he should not expect anything back

if he does, then he obviously had some ulterior motive that didn't come to pass

maybe he wanted to sleep with the girl

he didn't

so he demands his investment back

all too often i see guys abusing what should be a relationship made of mutual trust

if the roles switched,

the girl pays for the guy,

and after break up, she demands the money back,

that would be not nice too right?

also, no

a girl should not pay for a guy at all, if it's a relationship

that's one gender role i feel shouldn't be reversed

the guy is in the relationship as a protector and provider

it should be his responsibility to provide for his girl

whether she demands it or not

it's a duty, rather than a favour

if the girl decides to pay for the guy, well, shame on that guy for agreeing

in this case, it's a gender role that hasn't changed for the past thousand years or so

a guy provides for his girl and protects her from harm

in return, the girl loves him and raises his kids

even now, this new generation where there's a lot of "power ladies"?

a power lady usually grew up in an environment where there was a lack of a male provider or the male present was abusive and unloving

and they had to strengthen themselves in order to feel worthy

gosh... how did you know?

because i have friends who are exactly like that

their fathers walked out on them, so they had to step up and take charge of the family

a girl who grew up in a 'normal' family won't feel the need to be powerful or controlling

because their fathers are present

and they'll take after their mothers

and try to emulate them

instead of trying to fill a gap

gosh...

not many ppl understand like you do...

you're very observant...

there has to be a deeper reason why people are what they are, i feel

the guy who demands a refund from his ex probably didn't love her for who she was

perhaps he just wanted a night of hot sex

but didn't get it

so he wants his money back for another attempt on some other girl

or maybe he did get his sex, and got tired of her

but...

how can someone thinks this way?

so... selfish...

a guy who was brought up by parents who didn't teach him to respect a lady, probably

or maybe he saw his mother abused by his father, and thought of women being nothing more than property

no one's born evil

it's the upbringing that causes someone to be what they are

a lot of time it's also the person's self control..

or decision..

yeah, it's also that person's decision

but a person won't be inclined to make those decisions if he or she was taught the right way

a mistake girls usually make is falling in love with a guy they barely know

they commit themselves to a relationship before getting to know fully the guy's personality and habits

something that, if they were just friends, they would have had the time to find out without the pressures of a relationship

agree...

that said, some guys don't think before they plunge into a relationship

they don't think about the sacrifices and effort that comes with commitment

they don't consider the loss of personal freedom afforded to them when they were single

so now they're stuck with a girl whom they were crazy about for a week, and is now only a nuisance stuck onto them

and they don't have anyone to blame but themselves

but guys don't think that way

some guys are too proud to take the blame for anything

so to them, it's the girl's fault

and so they mistreat their girls

that's how abusive relationships start

the guy thinks it's fun, realizes it's not, and then tries to get rid of it

and the girl usually has no clue what's going on

she just thinks it's a guy behaviour to shout at her and hang up on her whenever she calls

haha...

the last sentence,,

are u refering to my angry post about hanging up on me?

but whoever did that to you deserves to die

why do you say that?

because you don't deserve to be treated like that

okay, so i don't know the whole story

but i do know that a guy should never hurt girl or do anything that would make her sad

i was upset... i looked for him for comfort..

he said he doesnt wanna hear me upset cos he doesnt know how to console me...

some guys get scared when faced with consoling an upset girl, i understand that

but that doesn't mean he shouldn't at least try

okay, i'll relate a story to you that happened to me last week

i was eating lunch with Girl A in the canteen

when she just started tearing up and sobbing

and i was in the middle of eating noodles thinking wtf??

so i asked her what's wrong

and she just said she was sad, "boyfriend issues" i think it was

and that she was tired of life

she didn't ask me to console her

but i knew that she's not normally like this

so i decided to try to make her laugh, or at least smile

i nervously cracked a joke

said something about someone else that was funny

at first she just stared blankly

and then as i repeated myself for comic effect, she started to smile a bit

and then she laughed

and the rest of the day she was fine

yeah, she's alright now

but my point is, the guy should at least try

because she later told me that my effort alone made her happy

because i cared about her feelings

whatever

i just didn't want to see her cry all over my noodles

haha

i think people should know that a guy's role is to protect, not abuse, a girl

so yeah, post it up however you see fit

is this right?

2010-01-10T12:49:00.003+08:00

i dun understand..

a girl and guy were together and they broke up. when they were together, the guy spent money on her, like whenever they go out, the guy will pay. they did not decide that they should share expenses, or who will pay for everything. whenever they are out, the guy will pay automatically.

then some time after they broke up, the guy asked the girl to pay him for whatever they have spent when they were together.

is this right?

i mean, issit the girl's responsibility to be aware that she should also share the expenses even though the guy did not say anything when they were together? issit her responsibility to be prepared to return the guy the money one day?

会呼吸的痛 - 梁静茹

2010-01-08T12:34:00.002+08:00

在东京铁塔第一次眺望
看灯火模仿坠落的星光
我终於到达但却更悲伤
一个人完成我们的梦想

你总说时间还很多
你可以等我
以前我不懂得
未必明天就有以后

想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛看你的信会痛
连沉默也痛

遗憾是会呼吸的痛
他留在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛

没看你脸上张扬过哀伤
那是重多么寂寞的倔强
你拆了城墙让我去流浪
在原地等我把自己捆绑

你没说你也会软弱
需要倚赖我
我就装不晓得
自由移动自我地过

我发誓不再说谎了
多爱你就会抱你多紧的
我的微笑都假了
灵魂像飘浮着
你在就好了

我发誓不让你等候
陪你做想做的无论什么
我越来越像贝壳
怕心被人触碰
你回来那就好了

能重来那就好了

2010-01-07T01:22:00.003+08:00

there are many little thing that will make me happy. you know it. you knew it!

chocolates, sweets, ice cream...

sing me a song with your god-awful voice! tell me a silly story! you dunno any story??? you dunno cinderella???

you're not willing to do even these little things.

all u do is leave me aside. just leave me when i'm not happy. just leave me.

hang up on me.

is making me happy so difficult??? i can laugh at the simplest of things. issit really that difficult? why are u not willing to????

2010-01-07T01:10:00.001+08:00

you make all sorts of excuse to avoid caring for me.

you dun want me.

you didnt want me to be happy.

you didnt want to care for me.

you dun care

你快不快乐

2010-01-05T22:41:00.004+08:00

曲∶福山雅治词∶徐世珍

我只想知道你快不快乐有没有遇见更懂你的人
闭上眼风在吹又是这个季节

偶然经过那条街熟悉的气味令人怀念

也許只有我的心比当时老一点

错过的从前能不能回头说抱歉

这麽些年我一直还记得

那些欠你的誓言

我只想知道你快不快乐
有没有遇见更懂你的人

阳光下好想念你微笑的眼神

选好旅行的地点才想起那是你的心愿
不知不觉我始终把你的话放在我心里面

错过的从前我好想对你说抱歉

爱过的人还住在记忆中一直没有说再见

爱恨都已不再

我只是不能不关心你我只是
想听你的声音

错过的从前我好想对你说抱歉爱过的人
还住在记忆中一直没有说再见

2010-01-05T09:50:00.000+08:00

all you do is hang up on me!

petsssss

2009-12-30T11:06:00.002+08:00

I want some pets. but.... not sure what to get. hehe...

1. hamsters

2. bunnies

3. hermit crabs

4. crabs

5. tortoise/turtle

6. gerbils

7. guinea pigs

1. hamsters are easy to take care, cute, but I had them before. maybe.

2. bunnies are cute, but they're expensive, and they need a lot of attention, and need a lot of space. no.

3. hermit crabs would be interesting, but... I'm not sure if I can take care of exotic marine animals well. no experience in this area. maybe.

4. crabs, same comment as hermit crabs. maybe.

5. tortoise/turtles are the easier marine animals to take care of. maybe.

6. gerbils are cute, taking care of them should be the same as taking care of hamsters. and they're different from hamsters. maybe.

7. guinea pigs, same comment as gerbils. maybe.

hmmm.....

Always - bon jovi

2009-12-24T12:20:00.001+08:00

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye

What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time
Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

patience....

2009-12-23T02:20:00.002+08:00

ok cool,
maybe, it's not that bad afterall.

hehe... i think it's positive. to hear positive response.

of course, i shouldnt get my hopes high... but... i'm already a little excited about the teeny weeny improvement. :D

hehe... i shall jia you!

Miracle

2009-12-22T16:36:00.001+08:00

I hope...
There's still a chance...

I'm not sure,

But I wish for a miracle...

Avatar

2009-12-22T16:31:00.001+08:00

Hmmm… watched Avatar thrice. I noticed, there’s a huge potential in the future industry for lighting for 3D movies. It’s the lighting that gave the images depth. But it’s different from stage lighting.

Avatar is a great movie. I watched twice the non-3D version and once 3D. Can see the effort they made for each scene. For example, the first half an hour, when Jake was in his avatar body and stepped into the forest the first time, he got chased by a leopard-like-creature, for the 2D one, you’ll just see blur images, but the 3D one was awesome, like that scene was made for 3D. The 3D one really enhanced the depth a lot. Like everything have layers. But of course, the layering can be done better. Like some scenes you can see that they really perfect the depth and everything, and some scenes not so important scenes they dun really bother, which made me feel nauseous. But that’s probably my own problem. haha… dun think anyone else feels nauseous too.

This is an impressive movie… They really created a world. Good job! Haha… and all these 3 times I’ve watched, I watched the credits too. Really amazed how many people in each department they involve for this movie. Like for lighting, there are few departments, and each department you can see about 30 names. And the artistic side too. Gosh, how can so many artists work together? Wouldn’t there be a lot of artistic conflict between them? Like a hundred people. Or maybe more.

The character development was great too. Everything is unique. I bet a lot of research was done. Like every movement and behaviour was so precise and natural.

If you wanna watch, it's better to book it online first, or unless you go buy the tickets in the afternoon for the night show. Even the weekdays shows are full house all the time.

I’m stupid. I took 2 years to understand that I still love you.

2009-12-22T11:14:00.000+08:00

You know what is a rebound relationship?

Google:
A "rebound relationship" is one in which a person becomes overly quick to commit to a new partner after having experienced an upsetting breakup or divorce. People who have breakups and then immediatley involved themselves with someone else seem to feel the need to prove to themselves they are worthy of love and affection. They may miss the comfort and affection of a regular relationship. But whatever the reason is, it is a selfish reason, one that is based on serving the self esteem and satisfying feeling of personal worth. "Someone loves me and needs me." It can also be to affirm "I wasn't at fault in the breakup, this relationship will prove that." Most of these rebound relationships are not permanent, and they can be even more destructive than the earlier breakup.

I took 2 years to understand and see it clearly.

When I was with Jonathan, it was called first love. Then, cockroach was temptation. But it was hell. I was so tightly bound that I had depression. Then, M came along. He became the rebound relationship. And after M, there are many people, but I never truly love them. I thought I can love them, but they’re like shadows, not really there. I see Jonathan’s shadow in them. I thought I love them, but I realise I loved the shadow in them.

And now that I felt better mentally, I realised and learnt. I took 2 years to learn a fact. But it’s too late now. He’s moved on, I think so.

no appetite

2009-12-20T19:45:00.003+08:00

this is twice in a row now, that i didnt finish my favourite coke.
i couldnt finish.
i dun even have the appetite for coke???
damn...i'm gonna die soon.

The three messages.

2009-12-20T19:44:00.001+08:00

I felt like, I’ve used all the courage in my life to send those 3 messages. Feels like doing bungee jump would be easier. But, when I got the replies, I couldn’t decide which am I feeling more, relief or disappointment.

What the hell was I doing?!

Now I’m stuck. What am I going to do now? What would he be thinking?
Shit…

Maybe, I think too much. He probably didn’t care. I should have known better. I’m not good. I was never good. I’m not good enough for anyone.

Me and my stupid, ridiculous actions.

not feeling well

2009-12-16T20:49:00.003+08:00

not sure if it's because of weather or whatever, been feeling uncomfortable.

menses come early now. it's once in 3 weeks! and it's the heavy kind.

now i'm having headache, and loss of appetite. i have not eaten proper meals everyday. i can go without eating the whole day. and just now, my mum forced me to eat dinner. i felt like vomiting after that. i just had a small bowl of soup. :(

feeling very light. i think i lost weight. but my head's heavy. i realise, i'm getting used to my own headache which happens like, every hour (estimation). horrible. :(

facebook note

2009-12-16T19:50:00.002+08:00

I dun usually go facebook. Cos I dun really know how to use it. It’s just accepting people, and letting them tag me. but recently, I just went to check out other people’s profile. And… I saw his. He didn’t change much. It’s been years, and he still looks like how he is during school time.

Then, I read his notes. I know, some questions he answered was about me. I hurt him before.

I have never forgotten about him. Never. Memories seem to be as clear as it used to be. And, reading his notes, it actually triggered something in me. I copied his notes and answered. I answered it in my own profile. Only he will understand that I’m talking about him.

What I wanted to tell him, I’ve already said it in my blog in June. I’m not sure if his post in July the reply to my post. If it’s really referring to me, I’m not beating around the bush. I just dun dare to tell you. But I just want you to know.

The mistake I’ve made few years ago, that is totally my fault. I wasn’t sensible at all. I didn’t cherish you. Now that we’ve grown up, then I understand what I’ve missed. Being with you was the happiest part of my life. No one can be compared to you, no one.

And we both understand that, we will not be together anymore. I love you, deep inside.

I dun wanna start anything, I mean; this is my blog, my journal. I just say how I feel. The past is the past. I’m just, recalling memories.

Though I have someone in my heart that I’ll never forget, but I’m living in present. I will accept new people in my life.

:)

2009-12-16T19:47:00.002+08:00

i was on my way home just now, sitting at the bus stop. an uncle beside me suddenly call me.

he showed and read out the newspaper that he's holding on to, it was something like, female 35 years old and 369 years old male. haha... we laughed at the typo error of the article.

it lightened up my evening. someone sharing something funny with a stranger.

:)

2009-12-14T21:01:00.002+08:00

edwin, i'm missing you again. i miss those times... my heart hurts. it hurt a lot. edwin... i miss you...

money issues....

2009-12-13T17:34:00.003+08:00

hmmm...

it feels like, a new phase...
it probably happens whenever i think through something...
"enlightened..."

been feeling unwell recently, i guess everyone is the same... it's like, the "sick season" everyone getting sick at the same time...
i feel that i got skinnier... didnt check my weight, but i feel lighter... haha...
but it also feels like i'm getting weak... haiz...

recently, a few issues about myself...
actually, it's just one issue. money.

i neeeeeeed money.....
haiz...
school fees, phone bill, G301 is still not settled (dammit), passport...
haiz....
headache argh!

and then, i though if further study...
i thought it wouldnt be necessary, but now, i'm thinking... maybe i should...
but then, it would be money issue again.

now.... no appetite to eat...

2009-12-11T17:53:00.001+08:00

i hate hypocrites!

just tell me straight in the face!

i dunno anything about PR, and i dun understand.
dun give me this kind of crap!

hypocrites!

絕

2009-12-09T14:20:00.002+08:00

心；

空虛；

填滿；

自由；捆綁；

他；和他；和他；我不知道的他們。

如何，如何；

decision made

2009-12-01T11:21:00.002+08:00

ok, i've decided.

chong mei ting,
since people cant stand you in this world,
build your own world.

yes, i'm going to build my own world,
yes i really need to think through...

yes i need to plan all these.
i'll leave. i will, it's just a matter of time.

i need to prepare.. yes, prepare the things that i need to leave, and prepare for the things to build my world...

i'm gonna build my world...

it's me again...

2009-12-01T10:43:00.003+08:00

yeah, again....

it's my fault.
i know i'm not good enough, thanks for rubbing salt.

ok, i'm stupid, all my effort in doing all these are useless, i shouldnt do any further since it's just a waste of time.

fine, my fault, i am "miss know-it-all"

i've already tried my best to remain low profile, i dun wanna speak up, because it just irritates people.
and then, not speaking up is my fault again.
so what u want me to do?

i know, it all lies with me, my personality. something is wrong with me.
no matter where i go i will always make people angry.

people are always unhappy with me, why?
why does people like to hear words that are coated with honey?
so hypocritic.

simple things like,
"no, we cant do this is because of these reasons"
we need to say it like,
"that's a good point (like shit), i understand where you're coming from(right), but let's imagine how it would be if it is like this (i mean you're stupid)"
(words in brackets are thoughts, if you dun understand)
see that? why waste your energy talking when you can do something more useful?
why beat around the bush? hypocrites.

New Moon...

2009-11-30T14:56:00.003+08:00

OMG!!!!

Jacob Black is sooooooo HOT!

and sweet too.....

:) my new idol!

i like his wolf form too! awwww.... :D

my fault

2009-11-22T00:15:00.001+08:00

Actually, everything lies on me, isn’t it?

It’s all my fault. There is something wrong with me. I am the one with problems. I caused all the problems. I can never do well in anything. Nothing I do is right.

How can I start my life like this? I should just end it right? Is that how you felt before you left, Edwin?

Edwin, are you lonely? Edwin, I need you… come to my dreams again ok? Tell me how you feel… tell me what I should do… shall I go find you?

Wouldn’t it save a lot of people’s trouble if they’re not working with me? I’m such a difficult person to work with.

hypocritic brain!

2009-11-21T00:15:00.002+08:00

why did people like to hear hypocritic words?
why do they like hypocrites???

they're idiots!

Speechless...

2009-11-21T00:04:00.001+08:00

That email from Anthony.

lost...

2009-11-19T12:44:00.001+08:00

Suddenly, I dunno what to do now...

I cant recall anything that needs to be done now...

again...

2009-11-19T00:11:00.001+08:00

Just now, as I was posting the previous post, we exchanged a few messages. And the same feeling occurred. The familiar feeling…

“He’s not the one”

It always happens. Whenever I understand something, I will have a conclusion. And that conclusion is always right. Just, sometimes, I take a longer time to observe. And this, resulted in a scar again. Sometimes, I feel ugly. I see the scars that no one else can, I know I’m covered with scars… I wonder, when will it stop?

It is my fault again. That I made the choices, without much thought all the time.

Will I be lonely again? Will I have to be strong again? Can I not be strong? Can I have someone to hug me? Please?

Your warmth, felt so distant now… I feel cold…

What happens now? I dun wanna be strong… I wanna be protected like all other girls…

illusions...

2009-11-18T23:55:00.003+08:00

There’s a lot in my mind now.

I feel that I miss having rehearsals, I miss attending rehearsals. But sometimes, I miss doing things which I hate. Well, I dunno if I’ll still hate it in the future or I’ll miss it, but I dislike going one of my kid’s place now. It feels like my footsteps are very heavy. And sometimes, during rehearsals, I miss giving tuition because I earn money faster. Doing productions always give me my pay late. Haiz…

I guess, in a way, I’m kinda like torturing myself. Starving myself just to make myself happy by staying in the rehearsal, which I dun gain anything from. There was once, an actor told me, this industry is full of illusions, aren’t you living in this illusion now?

Actually, the reason I study this is because I know the nature of this world. I know, I’d always be living in illusions. And I let myself fall into these illusions… haiz… it’s like a drug. You know what this drug makes you, but you’d choose it over proper food.

I’m a strange person, aren’t I? I always envy those people, who have no difficulties in mixing with others. But I’ll always feel, out of place. I dun see the fun in talking, in fact, I dun like to talk. Whenever I see them laugh or joke, I look at them like I’m watching TV. I do find it, happy, I smile, but I feel awkward doing so. Then, end up ignoring them… so awkward…

But sometimes, I dun understand, what is their laughter about? What is so funny about their jokes? I dun understand… I cant fit in.

There’s something wrong with me, right? I mean, others can do it so naturally, but I find it so awkward to talk to them or even understand what they’re saying… what is wrong with me?

And what is wrong with that stupid brain? Fucking attitude. Seriously, who is he??

Haiz… whatever. I… am thinking a lot. A lot of my past… the worlds… they are just like scene changes, but the shows not gonna be performed again. What was that scene about? How did I do the scene transitions? Why cant I remember them? How am I going to do the next scene transition? And what would the next scene be like? What would happen next? Can I write the script for the next scene? I have not gotten any ideas or inspirations for anything. Of course, even if I do have the script, it will be changed during the performance. And of course, I will keep the director’s vision in mind. Which, is me.

I know, this is a long post.

My mum sent me this today:

一個男孩問他的媽媽：“你爲什麽要哭呢？”
媽媽說：“因爲我是女人啊。”
男孩說：“我不懂。”
他媽媽抱起他說：“你永遠不會懂得。”

後來小男孩就問爸爸：“媽媽爲什麽毫無理由的哭呢？”
“所有女人都這樣。” 他爸爸回答。

當小男孩長成了一個男人，但仍舊不懂女人爲什麽哭泣。最後，他打電話給上帝；當上帝拿起電話時，他問道：“上帝，女人爲什麽那麽容易哭泣呢？”

上帝回答說：
“當我創造女人時，讓她很特別。我使她的肩膀能挑起整個世界的重擔；並且，又柔情似水。”

“我讓她的内心很堅強，能夠承受萬分痛苦和忍受自己孩子多次的拒絕。”

“我給予她耐心，使她在別人放棄時后繼續堅持，並且無怨無悔的照顧自己的家人，度過疾病和疲勞。”

“我給予她在任何情況下，都會愛孩子的感情，即使她的孩子傷害了她。”

“我給予她包容她丈夫過錯的堅強和用他的肋骨塑成她來保護他的心。”

“我給予她智慧，讓她知道一個好丈夫是絕不會傷害他的妻子的，但有時我也會考騐她對丈夫的絕心和堅強。”

“最後，我讓她可以留眼淚。只是她願意，這是她所獨有的。”

RPSTA faci CMI

2009-11-17T10:03:00.003+08:00

seriously,

does Republic Polytechic arts facilitators know what's the difference between

objectives,
artistic vision,
artistic statement,
and description of the production?

hungry...

2009-11-16T11:08:00.000+08:00

i dreamt of chocolates...

and i feel like eating subway sandwich now...

so busy! squeeze everything into one post

2009-11-16T01:15:00.003+08:00

hmmm... i got lots to update, but there're so many, dunno to start from where.

whatever.

i had fun doing reflections. the people are fun. the technicians are generous in sharing their knowledge. ha! i actually learnt more in these few shows than in class the whole semester!
i have been busy with dancing through seasons. some people are giving me problems... dammit.
i wanna complain: where got people produce show when the venue is still not confirmed 3 weeks before the show! no logic! dammit.
i'm getting fat! :( and my menses are so weird; it usually comes late, now i have 2 menses in a month. something's wrong. :(
NO MONEY!!!! no pocket money. no money to do show. :(
i... erm... i... erm... i want a boyfriend..... :(
but at the same time, having boyfriend if annoying... :(

此時

2009-11-10T11:01:00.000+08:00

厭。

此刻，此地，之她。

I know

2009-11-09T22:33:00.001+08:00

In school, I do feel and do notice what was going on.
I can feel, I know.
It hurts.
Because I care.
No one knows,
they dun need to know.

A lot of these things, I know.
I dunno how, but I just do.

I cried again, dammit.

mummy, i love you.

2009-11-09T22:30:00.001+08:00

I have not been updating my blog for a long time… I have not been home early for a long time also. Today is the earliest in a few months. Just now when I reached the lift lobby, I bumped into my mum. She was on her way for yoga lesson. I used to take yoga lessons with her every Monday. But I couldn’t commit because I was doing shows… and I have school work. I miss my mum. There was once, I finally went for yoga lesson on a dark night, the yoga instructor told me, “did you see your mum’s face?” “what?” “did you see how happy she is that you turned up?”.

I felt so bad at that time. I have been rushing everywhere, and sometimes I miss yoga class. I feel very guilty that I didn’t spend much time with mummy. All my mummy has now is me. I’m the only reason that she stays here in Singapore. She stays at this home which she has phobia for, which she detests, for me. She does not regard anyone else other than me as her family. Sister, brother, and him, are not family anymore. We’re worse than strangers. I’m the only one whom she talks to, but I’m always not around.

Last Saturday, I brought her along to the first preview of Dancing Through Seasons, and we went out for dinner after that. We were together the whole day. She saw that I am actually producing a show. I know, she feels more secure now. She used to worry about me that I cant do anything serious. But it doesn’t matter now. Then we went to upper Thomson road to have dinner. Curry fish head! It is our favourite. We used to go out every Sunday night to try the curry fish head all around Singapore. We’ll eat at a different location every week, and we’ll look out for the best curry fish head in Singapore.

We’re like a couple. I love her and I miss her. She loves me too. She cares a lot for me. I love her a lot.

And then, after dinner we went for a little shopping at Thomson plaza. She showed me some clothes that she likes. She said she wanted to buy those clothes for a long time already. Those clothes are very fashionable and very suitable for her. Though she’s already in her forties, but she looks like she’s in her early thirties. I asked her to buy those clothes, but she doesn’t want to. She said, she’s worried that by the time she gets to wear them it’ll be out of fashion. I ask her why, she said, she’ll wear them when I’m not her burden anymore. That means after I graduate. But I have a feeling that I wont graduate soon because I did not do well in school.
I feel really bad. I wanted her to have boyfriend, but she’s waiting for me to graduate.

edwin...

2009-11-06T07:51:00.002+08:00

i dreamt of edwin this morning...

this time, i saw his face. i hugged him.

hey edwin, thanks for coming into my dream. :)

i miss you, i love you...

costumes again...

2009-11-04T21:08:00.002+08:00

i'm designing costume again...

design is to tell the story, plus function.

haiz...

can i make it? i dunno... as in, i dunno what's wrong with my designs for midsummer night's dream that i get a C for it.

2009-11-03T10:31:00.002+08:00

她，所造謠言，是爲了掩護自己的缺點。

他，所判斷，是因爲不服氣，無法接受他人不同的觀點。

woohoo!!!!!

2009-10-31T09:25:00.000+08:00

let's dance!!!!

DANCING THROUGH SEASON audition !!!!!

2009-10-27T13:39:00.002+08:00

AUDITION!!!!!!!

hey, everyone who is interested in performing, please come down for audition at
12pm,
SATURDAY 31 DEC,
bedok interchange,

we welcome everyone who is interested, it's gonna be a huge thing!!!!
great PERFORMANCE VENUE
great PUBLICITIES
good learning OPPORTUNITIES
grrrreat EXPOSURE!!!!

DANCE AUDITION !!!!!

2009-10-27T12:30:00.002+08:00

VOGUELCIOUS
is having an audition this saturday (:
for an upcoming, exciting performance at Republic Polytechnic on 11th of December 2009! <3
this time round, not only we want guys(and gays),
but we would like to haveGIRLS AS WELL (:

we need dancers who are:
Committed
Disciplined
Modest
Responible

We are also looking into all kind of genres of dance (:
be it hiphop, modern dance, cultural dance,or cannot dance!

JUST COME!
we need DANCERS WITH THE VOGUE FACTOR !!
those people whom we know,may join in as well for this project!i
ts a great publicity for all!
WE'RE NOT RACIST!
so we accept all races,even aliens (:
cause we have one alien in the group: Izzy.
so no worries, he's harmless.the most friendliest creature!
and we wont bite!

dont be shyand come on down to:
Venue: Bedok Interchange (sounds horrible but thats the best place we could find at the moment)
Date : 31st October 2009 (sorry! no halloween trick or treats tricks allowed!)
Time: 12pm (NO, LATE IS NOT FASHIONABLE)
Dressing Code: Please be in proper attire and no jeans allowed! or tight pants!
We dont wanna see peek-a-boo underwears!

Any enquiry, please call Izzy Breezy Beautiful : 96314934
this is serious shit ladies and gentlemen!
its the moment you've been waiting for!
SEASONS! 2009 is gonna be the most wreckoning-risktaking-happenninghoohaa-DANCECONCERT EVER!!

are you up to it?or are you just scared!?

To dance, or not to dance...

2009-10-26T16:14:00.001+08:00

I’m referring to a few things…

This stupid project. Why didn’t they tell us anything when they knew that we’re doing something close to impossible? They want us to do something great, but what they’re expecting of us are too much! It’s like, they want us to become Japanese modified cows, 2 times smaller , eat 3 times less, but produce 6 times more milk than the normal cows. Dammit.

I really cannot visualize what is gonna be the end result. Everything is changing unexpectedly. I wanna give up on this production, but I cant… dammit.

I used to love dancing, especially to dance with lilian. It always feels so comfortable dancing with her. But since then... we’ve not met anymore. And I’ve not been getting involved in dance much. And of course, because of that stupid cockroach, he forced me not to dance. And that time, I was going through depression. And after that, I have no confidence in dancing anymore.

Until recently, someone made me think of dance again. when we start doing this “dancing through seasons” production, I didn’t think much about it. But when problems occurred and I have to get really involved in the creative side, I start talking to people about it. And then, Ian gave me a shock.

Ian and I are not very close, though we did “much ado about nothing” together, but we dun talk to each other much. I’m even a little afraid of him. Until recently we do “shocks and shiok” together, then I start to crap with him a little. One day, when I found out that he does physical theatre, I called him for help for “dancing through seasons”. He ask, “you have danced before right?”. I was very surprised because I have never told him before. He said he can tell from the way I walk. He can even tell that I’ve been train in modern dance and a little jazz. That’s really scary. He can actually tell…

But that made me think. It made me realize that, I still have it in me. I’ve been thinking... thinking if I should dance again. But I’m afraid. Afraid of failure.

I realized something about myself. If I cant do something well, I dun wanna do it. And when I decided to do something, I’ll only do it when I feel confident enough that I can do it well. My shit character. Is this called ego?

dnh

2009-10-26T16:13:00.000+08:00

I feel… uncomfortable, when I see what used to be mine is now someone else’s. I guess it’s an aries thing. We’re obsessive in this way that what used to be ours, we dun like to share it. But of course, feeling uncomfortable about it is one thing, but reacting to it is another thing. I dun wanna care about it. It’s just another plate of pasta…

i'm loosing it

2009-10-16T06:51:00.000+08:00

It always happens…

Every time I do something, or give a suggestion, people will choose not to take it. But at the end, when there is a problem, they will go back to my initial idea. I wanted to start things fast, but they wont follow me. when I’m too tired to carry on, they wanna rush the work. This is not the first time it has happened. It’s so… tiring…

It’s not really tiring in the sense like, I want to take a break kinda tired, but, feel very “sian”. It’s like; I see that familiar situation happen in front of me again and again. it’s, draining.

I feel so unsure of myself… am I doing it correctly? Or am I wrong all the time? I feel so, out of focus… so unsure… unsure of everything I do… I used to know what I’m doing. I used to know what I wanna do next, how am I going to do it. Whenever I do something correctly, I know I’ve done well. But I don't know this time… so unsure…

I dreamt of Edwin

2009-10-16T06:40:00.003+08:00

it's friday morning 6.30am.
i just dreamt of Edwin.
it's the first time since he passed away i dreamt of him.
Edwin, i miss you...

but i didnt see your face in the dream...
i miss you... in the dream, you were holding my hand. we went for a dinner or lunch in a shopping centre, then you said you want to sit in a ferris wheel with me. then we went down the escalator together... i cant see you again...

Edwin, i miss you... Edwin... for a moment, i cant remember your face... i dun wanna forget your face...

Edwin, do come and visit me often, ok?
I'll find time and visit you at mandai... i miss you...

first day of school, no, first hour of school...

2009-10-05T09:34:00.002+08:00

dammit.
i thought i'll be fine in school...
but it feels so uneasy, again...

damn.....

I WANNA GO TO ACTION!!!
i dun wanna be in school... how i wish i'm in rehearsal now...

dammit.

my wu gui...

2009-09-27T23:04:00.002+08:00

wu gui... thank you for being with me the whole day.. :)
it's a long day... the weather's super hot and stuffy....

and it makes you feel uncomfortable right? i know, me too...

recently been having headaches... i had never have headaches before.. nowadays, i just have headaches so often... with no reason... :(

and wu gui, i'm very touched that you finished up the dessert that i brought.. :)
i always feel very heart ache if i were to waste my mum's food. and you gobbled down the dessert that my mum made... it wasnt nice anymore cos it's cold... wu gui.... thank you....

wu gui... dun fall sick... muacks! :)

i'm single!! :)

2009-09-27T00:45:00.003+08:00

hehe.. some friends are confused, am i single? or do i have a bf?

the answer is.......I'm single!!! wahaha!!!

and i enjoy being single...

once a while go for dates... dating anyone i want... without anyone controlling me. no need to report to anyone about my whereabouts... or affect another person when i wanna do something...
for example, if i wanna do another production, that production will at least go for a month, if i have a bf, then he will not like it cos i wont be with him for a month.
seriously, what's the use of being possesive?

being single, means owning all the freedom i want. hehe... :)

sure, being in love is great, but i'd rather stay single. hehe...

i think, i can love someone, but not be with that someone... just, hang out more often with that someone than anyone else.. :)

currently

2009-09-26T16:51:00.002+08:00

currently, I'm doing a production with action theatre, halloween double bill, i think i mentioned it before. hmm... my job is awesome!!!

haha... attending rehearsal, preparing props, sets, and take note of stuffs...

erm... currently, also having headache about seasons. my school project. hmmm... i dun have venue, i dun have money, i dun have performers. all i have are ideas. damn...

dancers? who wanna do an experimental dance performance with me?

and damn, where can i find a cheap rehearsal space?

and damn, why are adults so annoying???

gosh, I didnt know you're so stupid!

2009-09-25T15:14:00.002+08:00

you said hi and ask if i'm busy, and sorry that you've disturbed me. are you stupid or what? if you think you're disturbing me then dun come and disturb me la! gosh...

and then, u wanna say something, then you say, "how are your kids?" do you know how wrong that sounds???? stupid! I AM A LADY WHOSE STATUS IS SINGLE!! NOT MARRIED OR NOT A MOTHER!!! so what if i call my tuition kids as my kids?? that does mean you can casually say "how're your kids".

if you want something from me, then say it straight!!! not beat around the bush, acting like an abandoned puppy, hope to get some sympathy from me. sorry, that does not work anymore!

too bad, this is what you get when you dun cherish me! i was so nice to you, i'm willing to do everything for you! now that i'm gone, you became a poor puppy, trying to catch my attention.

if you want me back then SAY IT! Be A Man and SAY IT! you dared to do this to me, why are you so TIMID to say you want me back!

you must be preparing your lines, like:
"oh, i didnt notice you're so beautiful before"
or
"oh, you're too busy to go out with me right, it's alright, are you free on sunday?"

stupid!

and the past show that i did, was on a SUNDAY. you msg me on a SATURDAY say," oh! i forgot your show today! sorry!!!"
what do u expect me to reply? why did you say sorry? you wanted my response right? tooo bad! i cant be bothered to reply you. dumbass!

dating... production... kids... FYP...

2009-09-22T11:24:00.004+08:00

hmmm....
after the "plain pasta" incidents... haha... i've been busy with....

dating... production... teaching kids... FYP...

hmmm, about the dating part,
I'll say more about it when it's time... I dun want it to end up like "I thought I love you or I thought I will love you but at the end I realise I dun love you" that kind of stuff. kinda had some failed relationship, I dun want that anymore...

about production...
I've been quite active at ActionTheatre recently... hehe.... just did the show Manhood. didnt do much, just the followspot operation. but I'm doing the next show with them as the ASM!!! HAHA!!! this is the first time i'm doing ASM for a drama... omg... this is gonna be awesome!!! haha!! anyway, it's a halloween double bill.. so if you wanna watch, it's kinda worth it... :)

hmm.... i was jobless for a period of time, then i went searching for jobs... and at the end, i got my schedule packed... till 1st november. it even clashed with school... might need to skip school during the bump in week... gosh.... i'm worried for my acadamic results... but...

ok, about teaching kids... erm, i'm not doing the part time job that i've always been doing.. which is like, part time in restaurants... i'm giving tuition... teaching primary school, and i have a kid who's only 3 years old!! damn tired... baby sitting is damn tiring!!! and i have to speak baby language, and think of ways to let him learn...

then, it's FYP time again...
so now we're doing a show... producing a show... that includes doing the marketing, production and the production management..
the first difficulty? is finding the dancers. haiz... it's so irritating to work with people who....

i mean, you dun have to be a world class performer to be called professional. as long as you are responsible, the standard of your ability to perform is secondary...
you have to be punctual, and you have to be ready during rehearsal, you understand what is called a "full dress rehearsal".

for example,
you will not pretend that you're invisible and walk across the stage and go coil your cables while other performers are performing on stage. you know what i mean?
or you're 3 hours late on the bump in day and tell the production team that you were drunk in the morning and you're still having a hangover.
or message the producer the night before the full dress reheasal that you cant come because you have other commitments.

this kind of performers, you think people wanna work with you again?
hello, performers, can you please be more humble? Diva-ness wont get you anywhere...

haiz.. so now, i'm looking for dancers... and the theme is seasons, spring summer autumn and winter~

so, dancers, or any performers, you want a stage? i can give you a stage, just contact me, we'll talk about it.

my work mail: chongmeiting@gmail.com or you can gimme a call if you have my number.. i'm quite open with the genre of dance... it's experimental. :)

guys and pasta, plain pasta

2009-09-10T14:22:00.004+08:00

Men, generally, overall, majority; are like pastas. Plain pastas. Pastas have tubular pastas, pasta-like shapes, strand noodles, ribbon pasta noodles, micro pasta, and blah blah blah… pasta has got great history and culture. But one common thing that all these pasta have is that, they are all plain pasta. Just like men, in general, overall, majority; have something in common. Hmmm… how should I put this, it’s not that they dun have brains. They do, just that, they dun use their brain to think, they use somewhere else.

Every guy is like a plate of pasta. They can be fusilli, or linguini, or any kind of pasta. Most of the time, they are all plain. When you wanna know if they are nice or not, or wonder if there are some pieces of chicken or fish hidden in the middle, the only way to find out, is to eat them. As you eat them, you find it boring, because you realize they are just plain pasta, sometimes, there’s no sauce, no meatballs, no prawns or anything else, just plain pasta. And finally, you get sick of it, you just feel like puking. This is not my plate of pasta.

And then, you’re hungry again, and here comes another plate of pasta. This pasta is of a different shape. You thought, maybe this is different, and maybe, there are some pieces of meat hidden in the middle. And then, the same thing happened again. It’s just plain pasta, with nothing inside, and that plain flour and egg taste is making you sick again. That is not my plate of pasta.

Guys, generally, overall, majority, are like plain pastas; there’s no contents in there. Just like what they are looking for. They just want one thing.

I’m sick of plain pastas now. You think I still love you? Fat hope. When I was so deeply in love with you, you just smile, did not reject me, neither did you accept me. “what did you like about me?”. “did I say I like you?”. From that day you flirt with my best friend, you are out of my world. That night when I heard about it, I broke down on the streets. Just crying, with my girls hugging me, people walking pass us, looking back, trying to find out why that girl is crying. When I heard even more, I was shaking uncontrollably. Crying so hard that I felt the pain in my chest. That was the end.

And then, here comes another plate of pasta to warm me up. Little did I know that this plate of pasta was microwaved. The heat did not keep me warm for long. I thought I’ll find some pieces of meat in the middle, but all I found was cold pasta. I thought I do have a place in your heart. “what did you like about me?”. “did I say I like you?”. You are no different from the previous plate that I had; plain pasta. Childish, irritating, worse than the kid that I teach.

Then, I got better. I stood up on my own feet again. I have more confidence in myself, I love myself. You saw me again. you thought I’m still the little girl you used to know. you thought I’ve missed you. But the truth is, I dun give a shit.

You tried to catch my attention again, I dun give a damn. You look really stupid you know? I bet you poured your bottle of perfume on my jacket before returning it to me. You must be imagining I’ll hug that stinking jacket to sleep or kiss that jacket pretending it’s you.
I threw my jacket into a bucket of water with hell lot of detergent, and soaked it for more than 24 hours. Last night I took it out to rinse. And that perfume smell is still there. It disgusts me. I rinsed hell lot of times, wasting a reservoir’s water. Pissed off that you must have poured the whole bottle of perfume on it. I’m gonna get a new jacket.

If you proudly think that you're that plate of sickening plain pasta, feel free to tell me. In chinese it's called 對號入座. Dun worry, no one will know it's you, cos you're a plain pasta, just like everyone else. :)

Next time, I wanna eat pasta, I’ll make sure there are other ingredients that I want, or I’ll cook it myself.

You know what happened to the stitch that cockroach gave me? The 2 feet are made into pin cushions, the ears are made into donkey ears for a mask, and the head is made into a bum roll for my costume. How useful.

Guys, generally, overall, majority; are like plain pastas; sickening.

wu-gui-less

2009-09-09T00:43:00.002+08:00

I WANT MY WU GUI !!!!
come back fast!!! dun get lost, dun get eaten up, hide inside your shell when the weather's too hot. just come back fast! so I can take care of you... my wu gui...

great sunday

2009-09-03T16:54:00.004+08:00

Waha! On Sunday, aravind and I intended to go to the zoo. But it was raining heavily. We didn’t know where else to go. We have watched movies for the past 2 weeks. So I told him, just anyhow drive, we’ll end up somewhere. :)
At the end, we went to goat farm. Then we went for some pizzas den bowling. We played 5 games. It was damn tiring. We rewarded ourselves with great dessert at golden mile. Haha… it was an awesome day. :)

Aravind went home to have family time, I went to esplanade to join Eamon and wu gui for baybeats. To support shuan’s band, For Better Endings.

We went to nearby to have dinner, a very good prata shop. :) We wanted to go to the flea market, but it wasn’t open at night, so we followed the crowd into little india. Haha! You know, people usually think, there’re many Indians, smelly, crowded… all sorts of reasons to tell themselves that it’s unpleasant there. But surprisingly, it smelled good! Haha… jasmine smell, essence smell, food smell… and the people are not that bad, they just ignore you. Haha… we had a great time going through the crowd. :)

we passed this small opera in the crowd.

goldfish are meant for dying; cocktails are meant for drinking

2009-09-03T12:53:00.001+08:00

On Friday, wu giu companied me to theatreworks to watch a performance called goldfish is meant for dying. Though the whole subject is about goldfish, there’re many messages behind it. It’s really meaningful… people, please take good care of your goldfishes ok? Fishes are friends. :)

Then, we went to boat quay. We planned to go home early, but at the end we drank some alcohol. I met up with Ah goo, wu gui met his friend.
We went to drink at eski bar. Had 6 drinks there.
1. Sex on the beach
2. Snowball
3. Blowjob
4. (Redbull+sth) dunno the name.
5. Boston tea party
6. Envy
Then we went to amber to meet ah goo and had 1 shot of martel each.
Haha… I’m amazed that we didn’t get drunk. Then we had cup noodles. Haha!!

Bad Boy + FYP

2009-09-03T12:44:00.004+08:00

I brought bad boy to FYP meeting in school. cos I neglected him too much. he made new frens!
I have a full team for FYP! haha..
Kong Shen, Sophie, Shi Qi, Jan and Bad Boy!!! haha... :)
hope our proposal is approved! It''ll be great fun! haha...

childish kills

2009-09-03T12:24:00.000+08:00

There’s no team work in this show. This show is gonna be sucky. Theirs is no professionalism in the performers, there’s no team work between the production team and the production management team. It’s not just “lack of team work”, it’s “existence of conflict” that is caused by childishness. These are all unnecessary.

Sometimes, if you just shut up about some childish comments, it doesn’t bite anyone’s butt, ok? Like a kid, all you want is attention, but the way you catch attention is very childish.

Whatever that I can say I have already said, whether it goes into you, that’s not my business. I’ll just get my job done, and I’ll leave. I tried to help you as much as I can. But it seems like you dun appreciate. Boss, this will be the last time I’m working with you. Take care for your future productions. Bye!

bliss

2009-08-29T14:56:00.003+08:00

It's 3 pm on saturday. I just woke up, and I'm having breakfast! the best breakfast!
cos it's breakfast with mummy. :)
My favourite dessert. and mummy's cooking dinner tonight!! It's so rare that she cooks. my frens who have tried her cook would know that my mum's an awesome cook. It's just, she's fighting with dad these years, so she hasnt been cooking for years. and we all know that dad misses my mum's cooking. but now mummy only cooks when I'm at home :)

this is the happiest thing on earth, eating with mummy, and eating mummy's cooking. :)

not now...

2009-08-28T11:02:00.003+08:00

Dun love me yet, not now.

I'm not prepared to love, to commit.

Loving me now, will spoil our relationship, I dun want that.

we can care for each other; be there for each other, but,

no, not like girlfriend and boyfriend,

I dun want a relationship.

I'm enjoying what we're sharing now,

Please, let's not go further, ok?

the warmth...

2009-08-27T01:15:00.002+08:00

the cold wind in the night.
the warmth hugged me, held me,
I slept in peace and comfort...
what am I searching for?
no, I'm not searching for anything.
but I think, I'm hoping,
hope that I have this warmth every night.

2009-08-26T23:47:00.002+08:00

went out with joel, to town. the beautiful clouds...

we went to sungei road the flea market. treasure hunt!!!

i saw this genuine leather cowboy hat, it's really nice. but it's expensive, for me la. 25 bucks.

these are the things that i bought. the green hoodie at $1, the red hat at $4, the grey woven long sleeve at $3, and the woven sleeveless at $5. hehe... total is $13 bucks. i spent the money that i earned from giving tuition. I cant resists shoes, especially boots, and woven or knitted stuffs.. :)

我的心情休息站

I should have went home. I'm so stupid. I'm so childish.

4 more days of April left

hold on

snow white

these days...

i wish one day, someone will tell me this...

if you believe

这种叫真心的关心

不要讓不懂得愛你的人, 困擾你... 環顧你身邊的還有許多愛你的人呢。

可是,依然有很多人情願被傷害的...而且一次又一次。

每次受傷害了以後,又再向別人訴説自己的多麽的心痛...何苦呢?

因爲不習慣沒人陪伴...而抓住一個,一次又一次想放棄你的人? 這樣會快樂嗎?...

適當時候,是需要懂得放手的。

希望... 下次不會再聽到同樣的故事情節,發生在你身上。

不然...我說得再多,也是沒用的...幫不了你的。

我只能說: 你不肯站起來, 誰也無法幫到你...

宁可相信世上有鬼；也别相信男人那张嘴

I finally cried it out. But I dun feel any better...

转机

previous post.

its fated

Suddenly, I feel sensitive about everything... Begin to feel discomfort...

心情； 很沉重

i know, i'm not making sense...

i'm beautiful...

neither here nor there...

in overall

M.S.

shit dammit shit dammit

random stuff...

Marshmallows and 10 Courts of Hell

shopping with qi

thrrrrrrrrilled!

Eamon!!!!

re: is this right?

is this right?

会呼吸的痛 - 梁静茹

你快不快乐

petsssss

Always - bon jovi

patience....

Miracle

Avatar

I’m stupid. I took 2 years to understand that I still love you.

no appetite

The three messages.

not feeling well

facebook note

:)

money issues....

絕

decision made

it's me again...

New Moon...

my fault

hypocritic brain!

Speechless...

lost...

again...

illusions...

RPSTA faci CMI

hungry...

so busy! squeeze everything into one post

此時

I know

mummy, i love you.

edwin...

costumes again...

woohoo!!!!!

DANCING THROUGH SEASON audition !!!!!

DANCE AUDITION !!!!!

To dance, or not to dance...

dnh

i'm loosing it

I dreamt of Edwin

first day of school, no, first hour of school...

my wu gui...

i'm single!! :)

currently

心情；很沉重